Snippets · from · a · Life

Christmas was surprisingly good. Don't know how that happened.

My family behaved. They liked my calendars I made for them. My cousins are the cutest little girls in the world. My youngest cousin still thinks my name is Jimmy, but at least she thinks I'm fun. We decorated cupcakes, though decorate is a nice word for smearing on some icing and pouring a jar of sprinkles on them. Then we made a gingerbread christmas tree that looked like it had seen better days. And they helped me make the christmas trifle.

My 8 year old cousin is starting to question the existence of Santa Clause. She kept asking me if I believed in him. I told her a story of how I once saw Santa on our porch. Luckily my mom remembers when I thought I saw Santa and could back up my story to her.

The three year old is still in Santa heaven. One of my cousin's children was behaving badly and she told me to call Santa and ask if he could still open his presents. It was too cute.

I made a cake for my grandmother's birthday and it was one of the tastiest things I've ever had. I'm going to play with the recipe and make it even better. I'm thinking making them into stuffed cupcakes would be a fantastic idea.

I'm a little afraid of hell. Where did that one come from?

So it's been a while since I've had a rant about Reuben on here. I think it's time. Yes, yes it is.

So, I made plans with my mom to have her pick me up, go vote, and then we would have dinner and eat junk food while watching the polls come in. My mom and I always watch the polls come in. Have since Clinton's first election.

So she picks me up, we go vote, and we head to her house. Reuben is there writing a paper on the computer, listening to music with CNN on mute. I notice they are talking about the elections and ask if I can turn up the sound, which my mother says yes to.

Reuben says I can only turn on the sound if I don't watch CNN.

I inform him that I came over to watch CNN and the elections.

And all he says is "Well, I think there is a TV in the other room."

Which of course pisses me off. We've had these plans for weeks and he knows it.

So I just tell my mom I'm leaving and go to pack up some laundry I'd left there.

So what was different about this offence?

My mom was more furious than I was.

She came into my old bedroom and started doing that pacing whisper rant about Reuben acting like an ass just because he has a paper due. Like the world is supposed to stop just for him because he is in a bad mood.

So I told her just to tell him that. He can use a computer at the library if he is that hard up for one. Hell, she has work to do on it anyways.

Which of course gets a "I won't talk to him with you here."

Translation: I'm mad but won't say anything.

We ended up sitting in my old bedroom watching the polls. And everytime I ventured out to get something I gace the death glare. I didn't want Reuben to break tradition with my mom. I was nervous it would jinx the elections or something.

I keep getting that heavy heart feeling, like I have something to feel guilty about. Why? Well, I have no clue really. I keep having these weird flashbacks to everything I've ever said that may have offended or upset someone. Anything I ever did wrong keeps crossing my mind. I've been having trouble sleeping because of it. And I'm not talking recent things. I'm talking everything since sophomore year of high school. Seven years ago. That's a long damn time ago.

I need therapy. And drugs. Lots and lots of prescription drugs. And maybe some alcohol. And a lobotomy, that might be good. And then I need to cut my tongue out so I never say anything stupid again. And I guess I'll have to lock myself in a box as well, just so I can't do anything stupid either. Then I will be cured.

Something is very very very wrong with me. I burst into tears while watching a disaster movie. What the fuck is going on with my brain?

I think I need to be medicated. Heavily medicated. And I think I need a vacation.

Honesty sucks.